Personal

So, I’ve been in denial a bit about my situation. It’s really hard to face the fact that no matter how tough I wanna act, there is nothing I can do to control how I feel on a day to day basis. I cannot control it.

There have been times where in my head I plan the littlest adventures (shopping, a walk, ice cream, lunch) and when it comes down to it, I can’t execute.

I shower, I get dressed, I make myself look nice. Then I want to get undressed and crawl into bed and nap for 15 million hours because that sounds so much better than driving to the store, or going out with friends. I can’t make promises to hang out because there is a huge chance that from the time I say “yes” to the time I’m supposed to leave, my body will have been on a roller coaster of feelings and sensations (not the good kind) and when it’s time to leave, my body is suddenly “out of order”.

The worse part though, is feeling guilty. Like fuck those feelings. I feel guilty when I sleep, I feel guilty when I’m late to work because I can’t get out of bed. I feel guilty when I don’t exercise, I feel guilty when I can’t make dinner or play fetch with my dog. I feel guilty when people look at me and say, “you don’t look sick though”. Usually those people are the judge-y people that don’t get it. However, recently- the sweetest girl that I’ve met through Pilates and yoga told me, “you don’t look sick, your skin glows and you have nice hair, and I can’t begin to imagine what you feel like, it must be hard”. WOW, if every person who didn’t know what it’s like could be like her!

I cannot control this situation, but I can control my thoughts. So I’m really going to tell my guilty feelings to fuck right off into the sunset.