Conflicted

I have not been writing here as of late. Mainly because I am having issues sorting through some things (cryptic, I know). Matters of the heart, I guess you could say. I am not sure that I will ever talk about it here. But I hope to have a clear head soon. Anyone have tips for decompressing? 

Wonderful

Just thought I would share one of my favorite songs. Hope your having a wonderful weekend...

Wonderful by My Morning Jacket
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ts922ocXdkk

Goals.

This post is going to pretty much be a mash up of everything on my mind right now AKA: To do list.

I want to start off by saying that I feel like I need to find a rhythm with my posts, this way I am motivated to work...werk ;) meaning, post more regularly. So here is the rundown:

Monday’s: Weekend round-up

Tuesdays and/or Wednesday’s: School

Thursday’s and/ or Fridays: Health/fitness update

In regards to Thursday and/or Fridays posts: Ok, here we go.  So, lately I have not been very happy with my body.  Just, overall health and aesthetics. I no longer feel at home or comfortable in my body. Part of this is because of the fatigue I am battling and the other part is because while I was on a steady dose of Lyrica (I've been off of it for over a month), I slowly but surely gained weight. Not tons of weight, it is probably not very noticeable to other people. My clothes just do not fit the way they used to and I am never happy about going shopping or getting dressed up.  But that is about to change!

I have been moderately active for a while, but I have not made enough time to be as active as I want. HELLO! See the problem, I WANT to be more active, but I don’t make enough time for it. I follow many health/fitness accounts on Instagram and bloglovin, and I am like, “wow that exercise looks cool”…all while lying in bed or whatever. But now it is time for me to make time for me! I have decided to hire Jessica over at Glistenfit.com to be my online trainer! Super excited and stoked to have someone to hold me accountable and push me to reach my goals. Plus, she is pretty amazing! I have been following her on insta for a while now and I LOVE her blog. Check her out!

 As far as nutrition goes, I am pretty smart about what I should and should not eat. Also, I am pretty good at having self control when it comes to the bad (oh so good) things I love to eat, like French fries! So with combining the clean eating and regular exercise, I should definitely get me back to feeling like me!

In regards to Tuesdays and/or Wednesday’s posts:  I am the BIGGEST procrastinator! And I truly, genuinely, absolutely, without a doubt, want to stop it! I need to go to meetings or something ;) So maybe blogging about it will help me stay on top of my homework throughout the week!

As for Monday’s, well that is pretty self explanatory in the title! I want to spend more dedicated time to hobbies/fun on the weekends. I need to devote time to learning how to use my camera as well. 

I feel like there are so many other goals I should right down, but honestly the ones above are pretty major. Eat right, exercise more, do my homework/studying earlier in the week.

What goals are you working on right now?

Future Career

I will be graduating in a week with my Bachelor's degree in Psychology. I am beyond excited about this. 

{Side note: I am walking before my degree completion, so I will be in school all Summer to complete my last 4 core classes}

I am starting the Master's program in MFT and LPCC at the end of August, and I am even more excited about that. Lots of excitement going on around here :)) One thing that I have noticed lately is how much my education has changed me. It is a beautiful and welcomed change. I have learned to be a more compassionate person, which is a blessing, I think. It is not that I lacked compassion before, but more so patience for mistakes. 

Growing up, I witnessed a lot of family members make really horrible mistakes and I never understood why. I have always had this very black and white view of morality. There is right and there is wrong. There is no grey area where circumstances matter. But, as I have grown up a bit and I have learned so much about human beings, I have learned that circumstances do matter.

So, as I get closer to my degree completion, I am overwhelmed with the possibility of who I will be at that point. I look forward to those I can help, the hearts I can heal and the minds I can open. Psychology is a fairly new field of study (about 100 years old), and it is complex, but it is also {{beautiful}}. So cheers to my future career and the endless possibilities that this road will offer.

{Not sure of the source of this image, found it on my work computer, shhh ;)}

Have you witnessed change in your life due to the career path you have chosen?

Personal

So, I’ve been in denial a bit about my situation. It’s really hard to face the fact that no matter how tough I wanna act, there is nothing I can do to control how I feel on a day to day basis. I cannot control it.

There have been times where in my head I plan the littlest adventures (shopping, a walk, ice cream, lunch) and when it comes down to it, I can’t execute.

I shower, I get dressed, I make myself look nice. Then I want to get undressed and crawl into bed and nap for 15 million hours because that sounds so much better than driving to the store, or going out with friends. I can’t make promises to hang out because there is a huge chance that from the time I say “yes” to the time I’m supposed to leave, my body will have been on a roller coaster of feelings and sensations (not the good kind) and when it’s time to leave, my body is suddenly “out of order”.

The worse part though, is feeling guilty. Like fuck those feelings. I feel guilty when I sleep, I feel guilty when I’m late to work because I can’t get out of bed. I feel guilty when I don’t exercise, I feel guilty when I can’t make dinner or play fetch with my dog. I feel guilty when people look at me and say, “you don’t look sick though”. Usually those people are the judge-y people that don’t get it. However, recently- the sweetest girl that I’ve met through Pilates and yoga told me, “you don’t look sick, your skin glows and you have nice hair, and I can’t begin to imagine what you feel like, it must be hard”. WOW, if every person who didn’t know what it’s like could be like her!

I cannot control this situation, but I can control my thoughts. So I’m really going to tell my guilty feelings to fuck right off into the sunset.

I've been thinking...

What was it like for people in the past to dream? Did anyone have complex visions of machines manufacturing things? Did anyone ever dream that one day we would be able to travel in the sky... and even among the stars?

I spend a lot of time thinking abstractly & I often time feel like people would think my thoughts are weird or a waste of time. Maybe I should start blogging these abstract thoughts. Maybe I should stop caring if someone doesn't understand. Maybe I'll find someone who thinks the same way.... 

Everything I like, I actually really love

Wow! It's been a while since I've blogged anything. I need to actually stick to my word and blog! 

Anyways, I found this picture and I could not stop laughing! Is anyone else as dramatic as me, when it comes to REALLY liking something? I mean, I use the words "I die" about a million (<--see I'm already exaggerating & being dramatic) times a day! I think this could be something that springs from individuality. As one gets older he/she have the ability (by ability I mean, inhibition) to fully voice what he/she like(s), love, have interest in. It's always nice to look back and think about how much my interests have changed over the years, and how I rarely am influenced or feel compelled to like something my best friend does. It's weird to see yourself grow in these little tiny ways. Le life! 

Xoxo 

Stay Tuned...

This week I will be blogging about a few things. 

1. My Cara box! It was so perfect and I really felt so touched by the thought that went into it! Amber, you're amazing!

2. My journey in Pilates and Yoga! 

3. Culture. 

I can't wait to work on these posts! I hope you will stop by and check them out. 

Happy Monday! 

Pain & Joy

I have been experiencing physical pain over the last 5-7 years. Some years its worse than others, some months its worse than others, some days its worse than others. Regardless of the severity it is always there. Even as I type this, I can feel pain in my arms and calves, shoulders and neck, back and hips. I constantly feel physical pain. Some days this can be defeating, but other days I feel the pain and I don't get sad about it, I lean towards joy. Through all the pain and sadness and feelings of defeat, I lean into joy with all my might. Earlier today I was feeling stiff and sore and all I could think about was this:
      

  My legs hurt, my bones hurt, but at least I can feel and at least I can walk and run. At least I have all my limbs in tact and properly functioning.

For all of that I am grateful and I am going to lean in even harder and feel joy. The pain is still here but for some magically strong reason I'm smiling.

Something to remember....

It's not always easy, but it is imperative. 

Seriously, this time..... hopefully.

I was all motivated to start blogging like seriously. But I failed at that. What is most frustrating is the fact that I have so much to say but I just keep it all to myself. So I suppose that I will ramble in this post and see how that goes. So, here it what has been going on, running through my head, happening.

1. I notice that I distance myself from everyone in my life, a lot. Even my family members or friends that I absolutely adore. I have not figured out why I do this. Part of it might be protection. You see relationships require vulnerability. My brain is hardwired to recognize vulnerability as weakness and something scary. So yea, if I love you I love you, but I fear that love. In addition, I am so introverted. People can be draining. On another note, this fear of vulnerability could be why I keep failing at blogging. I mean in order to blog you have to be vulnerable right?

2. I graduated with my AA in June, from a Sign Language Interpreter Training Program. All together, it took me about 4 years. The program is 2 years, but I had to learn ASL first so that was about 3-1/2 years. It was a huge accomplishment for me.....th program is unbelievably hard. And, because I'm crazy, I started working on my BA in the last (hardest and most time consuming) semester of the interpreting program. I have been feeling sad lately because I am unable to take or apply for any interpreting jobs at the moment. It is rare to find an interpreting job that offers full-time and benefits. Sooo I cannot leave my job that I have now, because I need the hours and my medical insurance.

3. So while I have been down about not being able to apply my interpreting skills to a job, I got an exciting email from my university the other day. The email was information about applying for GRADUATION! yup, that soon already. I am on the path to receiving my BA officially in August of 2014, BUT I can walk in May/June 2014. I know that is about a year away but it is still exciting to think about. It is coming so fast. Since I am a full time student, my life operates on the schedule of deadlines and semester beginnings and ends...therefore life happens fast. In the blink of an eye I will be receiving my BA in Psychology. This is a good feeling, especially because I felt like I was running in place for a long time.

Ok I am going to stop rambling. I hope to fall into a pattern of consistent blogging, we will see. Pease ignore any typos....I'm too busy at work to go back and read this :P