Graduation

So, I finally did it. I have a Bachelor's degree in Psychology! I do not actually attain my degree until the end of August when I finish up my last requirements but STILLLL it is so exciting!

So rewind back to Saturday (5/3), I woke up feeling like a million bucks. I was overwhelmed with feelings of pride and accomplishment. However, as the morning progressed I began to feel a little saddened and everything was bittersweet. You see, my father looked forward to this day. He wanted so badly, to see me graduate college. When he passed away, graduating and other life milestones lost value in my eyes for a little bit. I wanted him to be with me on that day, to see me walk across the stage. As I began to feel more and more low, I realized he was with me. He is with me.

The ceremony was lovely, and I am proud of myself-which is a new feeling for me to explore {pride}.

Future Career

I will be graduating in a week with my Bachelor's degree in Psychology. I am beyond excited about this. 

{Side note: I am walking before my degree completion, so I will be in school all Summer to complete my last 4 core classes}

I am starting the Master's program in MFT and LPCC at the end of August, and I am even more excited about that. Lots of excitement going on around here :)) One thing that I have noticed lately is how much my education has changed me. It is a beautiful and welcomed change. I have learned to be a more compassionate person, which is a blessing, I think. It is not that I lacked compassion before, but more so patience for mistakes. 

Growing up, I witnessed a lot of family members make really horrible mistakes and I never understood why. I have always had this very black and white view of morality. There is right and there is wrong. There is no grey area where circumstances matter. But, as I have grown up a bit and I have learned so much about human beings, I have learned that circumstances do matter.

So, as I get closer to my degree completion, I am overwhelmed with the possibility of who I will be at that point. I look forward to those I can help, the hearts I can heal and the minds I can open. Psychology is a fairly new field of study (about 100 years old), and it is complex, but it is also {{beautiful}}. So cheers to my future career and the endless possibilities that this road will offer.

{Not sure of the source of this image, found it on my work computer, shhh ;)}

Have you witnessed change in your life due to the career path you have chosen?

Something to remember....

It's not always easy, but it is imperative. 

Seriously, this time..... hopefully.

I was all motivated to start blogging like seriously. But I failed at that. What is most frustrating is the fact that I have so much to say but I just keep it all to myself. So I suppose that I will ramble in this post and see how that goes. So, here it what has been going on, running through my head, happening.

1. I notice that I distance myself from everyone in my life, a lot. Even my family members or friends that I absolutely adore. I have not figured out why I do this. Part of it might be protection. You see relationships require vulnerability. My brain is hardwired to recognize vulnerability as weakness and something scary. So yea, if I love you I love you, but I fear that love. In addition, I am so introverted. People can be draining. On another note, this fear of vulnerability could be why I keep failing at blogging. I mean in order to blog you have to be vulnerable right?

2. I graduated with my AA in June, from a Sign Language Interpreter Training Program. All together, it took me about 4 years. The program is 2 years, but I had to learn ASL first so that was about 3-1/2 years. It was a huge accomplishment for me.....th program is unbelievably hard. And, because I'm crazy, I started working on my BA in the last (hardest and most time consuming) semester of the interpreting program. I have been feeling sad lately because I am unable to take or apply for any interpreting jobs at the moment. It is rare to find an interpreting job that offers full-time and benefits. Sooo I cannot leave my job that I have now, because I need the hours and my medical insurance.

3. So while I have been down about not being able to apply my interpreting skills to a job, I got an exciting email from my university the other day. The email was information about applying for GRADUATION! yup, that soon already. I am on the path to receiving my BA officially in August of 2014, BUT I can walk in May/June 2014. I know that is about a year away but it is still exciting to think about. It is coming so fast. Since I am a full time student, my life operates on the schedule of deadlines and semester beginnings and ends...therefore life happens fast. In the blink of an eye I will be receiving my BA in Psychology. This is a good feeling, especially because I felt like I was running in place for a long time.

Ok I am going to stop rambling. I hope to fall into a pattern of consistent blogging, we will see. Pease ignore any typos....I'm too busy at work to go back and read this :P

2/30 (catch up from yesterday)

Here is number 2/30:

Trying to learn how to love and accept myself. This 30 day challenge is quite a challenge, but I am hoping it will help me on my journey to appreciate myself.

Can We Talk About Heartbreak for a Second?

I've had my heart broken a lot lately. It sucks, it is not just from one person. Many relationships within my family are not healthy and someone close to me has fit a few jabs in there recently as well.I just feel so sad. Sad that sometimes (almost all the time) it is impossible to only surround myself with positive loving people. What does it feel like to reach that point in life where you can stand on your own two feet and have the freedom to only be around who you want? I'm working really hard in school right now, I'm building the foundation to create the life that I want- I guess it is not happening as fast as I would like though. I suppose that sometimes one just has to accept that some people really do suck, ans heartbreak is inevitable. I'm gonna go think about something happy and I will post about that soon.

Father's Day

Let me start by saying, I am so lucky. I am so lucky to have the father that I did/do. My dad was amazing in every way that a man can be amazing. Father's day is hard for me. My father passes away a little over three years ago. Although I do not allow that day to have power over my feelings,  it is still a day where I feel loss all over again. But those moments when I am feeling really strong, I smile and I reflect on every good memory I have in my heart. I miss my father, and I am jealous of where he is now because I know it is a magical place. Happy Father's Day.

Life

 I am having a really hard time figuring out where I want to be in my life right now. I have been so frozen by fear lately- and by lately I mean the last 4 years or so. I am tired of being afraid of life. I want to live again and feel happy and free. I want to do or not to things without feeling guilt. I do not know why after all the years of therapy I still feel shame and I still view myself as damaged goods. I know I am worth more than that, I just need to really see it for myself. I need to act now but where do I start?

This picture I took last month says a lot about how I feel about my life right now. Staring at something so beautiful yet so blank.