Pain & Joy

I have been experiencing physical pain over the last 5-7 years. Some years its worse than others, some months its worse than others, some days its worse than others. Regardless of the severity it is always there. Even as I type this, I can feel pain in my arms and calves, shoulders and neck, back and hips. I constantly feel physical pain. Some days this can be defeating, but other days I feel the pain and I don't get sad about it, I lean towards joy. Through all the pain and sadness and feelings of defeat, I lean into joy with all my might. Earlier today I was feeling stiff and sore and all I could think about was this:
      

  My legs hurt, my bones hurt, but at least I can feel and at least I can walk and run. At least I have all my limbs in tact and properly functioning.

For all of that I am grateful and I am going to lean in even harder and feel joy. The pain is still here but for some magically strong reason I'm smiling.

Something to remember....

It's not always easy, but it is imperative. 

Seriously, this time..... hopefully.

I was all motivated to start blogging like seriously. But I failed at that. What is most frustrating is the fact that I have so much to say but I just keep it all to myself. So I suppose that I will ramble in this post and see how that goes. So, here it what has been going on, running through my head, happening.

1. I notice that I distance myself from everyone in my life, a lot. Even my family members or friends that I absolutely adore. I have not figured out why I do this. Part of it might be protection. You see relationships require vulnerability. My brain is hardwired to recognize vulnerability as weakness and something scary. So yea, if I love you I love you, but I fear that love. In addition, I am so introverted. People can be draining. On another note, this fear of vulnerability could be why I keep failing at blogging. I mean in order to blog you have to be vulnerable right?

2. I graduated with my AA in June, from a Sign Language Interpreter Training Program. All together, it took me about 4 years. The program is 2 years, but I had to learn ASL first so that was about 3-1/2 years. It was a huge accomplishment for me.....th program is unbelievably hard. And, because I'm crazy, I started working on my BA in the last (hardest and most time consuming) semester of the interpreting program. I have been feeling sad lately because I am unable to take or apply for any interpreting jobs at the moment. It is rare to find an interpreting job that offers full-time and benefits. Sooo I cannot leave my job that I have now, because I need the hours and my medical insurance.

3. So while I have been down about not being able to apply my interpreting skills to a job, I got an exciting email from my university the other day. The email was information about applying for GRADUATION! yup, that soon already. I am on the path to receiving my BA officially in August of 2014, BUT I can walk in May/June 2014. I know that is about a year away but it is still exciting to think about. It is coming so fast. Since I am a full time student, my life operates on the schedule of deadlines and semester beginnings and ends...therefore life happens fast. In the blink of an eye I will be receiving my BA in Psychology. This is a good feeling, especially because I felt like I was running in place for a long time.

Ok I am going to stop rambling. I hope to fall into a pattern of consistent blogging, we will see. Pease ignore any typos....I'm too busy at work to go back and read this :P

3/30

Because tonight, I needed to laugh... my heart craved laughter. 

2/30 (catch up from yesterday)

Here is number 2/30:

Trying to learn how to love and accept myself. This 30 day challenge is quite a challenge, but I am hoping it will help me on my journey to appreciate myself.

A Photo a Day for 30 Days

I decided to take part in the 30 day self portrait challenge that the girls at A Beautiful Mess created:
http://www.abeautifulmess.com/2013/07/30-day-self-portrait-challenge.html

I hate taking pictures. HATE. So maybe this will help break the ice for me. Maybe at the end of this I won't feel so insecure. Also I really appreciate the fact that this is a fun & loving kind of project. I feel like may women refrain from taking self portraits because they feel like it is inappropriate or arrogant. I don't think society should shape our opinions and feelings about looking in the mirror or taking a pic of ourselves when we feel pretty. 20, 30, 40....50 years from now, I'm gonna want to look at the younger Valerie and remember what I looked like and felt like at this time in my life. Day 1:

Can We Talk About Heartbreak for a Second?

I've had my heart broken a lot lately. It sucks, it is not just from one person. Many relationships within my family are not healthy and someone close to me has fit a few jabs in there recently as well.I just feel so sad. Sad that sometimes (almost all the time) it is impossible to only surround myself with positive loving people. What does it feel like to reach that point in life where you can stand on your own two feet and have the freedom to only be around who you want? I'm working really hard in school right now, I'm building the foundation to create the life that I want- I guess it is not happening as fast as I would like though. I suppose that sometimes one just has to accept that some people really do suck, ans heartbreak is inevitable. I'm gonna go think about something happy and I will post about that soon.