Thursday, March 27, 2014

So, I’ve been in denial a bit about my situation. It’s really hard to face the fact that no matter how tough I wanna act, there is nothing I can do to control how I feel on a day to day basis. I cannot control it.
There have been times where in my head I plan the littlest adventures (shopping, a walk, ice cream, lunch) and when it comes down to it, I can’t execute.
I shower, I get dressed, I make myself look nice. Then I want to get undressed and crawl into bed and nap for 15 million hours because that sounds so much better than driving to the store, or going out with friends. I can’t make promises to hang out because there is a huge chance that from the time I say “yes” to the time I’m supposed to leave, my body will have been on a roller coaster of feelings and sensations (not the good kind) and when it’s time to leave, my body is suddenly “out of order”.
The worse part though, is feeling guilty. Like fuck those feelings. I feel guilty when I sleep, I feel guilty when I’m late to work because I can’t get out of bed. I feel guilty when I don’t exercise, I feel guilty when I can’t make dinner or play fetch with my dog. I feel guilty when people look at me and say, “you don’t look sick though”. Usually those people are the judge-y people that don’t get it. However, recently- the sweetest girl that I’ve met through Pilates and yoga told me, “you don’t look sick, your skin glows and you have nice hair, and I can’t begin to imagine what you feel like, it must be hard”. WOW, if every person who didn’t know what it’s like could be like her!
I cannot control this situation, but I can control my thoughts. So I’m really going to tell my guilty feelings to fuck right off into the sunset.

I've been thinking...

Monday, March 17, 2014

What was it like for people in the past to dream? Did anyone have complex visions of machines manufacturing things? Did anyone ever dream that one day we would be able to travel in the sky... and even among the stars?

I spend a lot of time thinking abstractly & I often time feel like people would think my thoughts are weird or a waste of time. Maybe I should start blogging these abstract thoughts. Maybe I should stop caring if someone doesn't understand. Maybe I'll find someone who thinks the same way.... 

Everything I like, I actually really love

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Wow! It's been a while since I've blogged anything. I need to actually stick to my word and blog! 

Anyways, I found this picture and I could not stop laughing! Is anyone else as dramatic as me, when it comes to REALLY liking something? I mean, I use the words "I die" about a million (<--see I'm already exaggerating & being dramatic) times a day! I think this could be something that springs from individuality. As one gets older he/she have the ability (by ability I mean, inhibition) to fully voice what he/she like(s), love, have interest in. It's always nice to look back and think about how much my interests have changed over the years, and how I rarely am influenced or feel compelled to like something my best friend does. It's weird to see yourself grow in these little tiny ways. Le life! 

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